First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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