Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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