I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize