i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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