i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
