she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
