guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
