dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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