Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
