I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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