Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
