im six kinds of drunk right now
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
