got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He felt like a one man threesome
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
