Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
