You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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