Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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