I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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