Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
