**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
