my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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