I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
