So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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