you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
