ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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