Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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