Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize