How's work?
Spinning.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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