best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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