he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize