I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
