Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
