just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
