i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Sober January is a disaster.
Come see our sink grown plant.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
