my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
