There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
