I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
