had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
