I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
