I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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