I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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