My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
