I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize