Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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