you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
