Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
is it fun? or sober?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
