I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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