My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
