I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
