it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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