We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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