I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
