my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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