There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
