heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
