Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
