Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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