god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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