If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
