Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
